Another day full of failures

I've just gotten for having another fight with Chey. That's two fights in two days. The twist? This time it was all me. That hurts.

The silver lining is that I've had a couple epiphanies to come along with these shit feelings. First: I have a whole metric ass grip of unresolved issues with my time in the military. Including, but not limited to: I can not stand huge overlaps in my work-life balance, I have a huge fear of success, and I still self-sabotage. Second: I try so fervently to avoid stress, because I have no good tools for dealing with stress. In fact, as it turns out, all I have done since I got out, was develop tools for avoiding stress altogether, instead of coping with it.

Of course it goes without saying that I am frustrated as hell that it took a fight of this magnitude to make me realize this. I wish, no I expect, to have a bit of omnipotence when it comes to reading myself, and I must constantly live with the dissatisfaction of knowing I never will.

I know that the next step is to reframe this experience into a positive one, but right now I'm typing faster than my cognitive mind can process all of the emotions and ripples of what just happened. I need some time alone I think.

Side note: my hand eye coordination has been eerily good today. I was crushing some PvP today with a skill level I rarely encounter in myself.

Also, I could not focus on Chey's face during the fight. Could be from her starting to cry and not wanting to tear up myself. Should get tested for autism just in case.

Feeling worn out

I've been feeling really run down lately. Mentally, I'm on summer vacation. Physically I'm in a slump. Emotionally, I'm either a bottomless void, who is only able to express boredom and dissatisfaction,or in flying off the handle.

Then there is my relationship.

I'm in love with her, and she with me. However, between the aforementioned slump I'm in, and the endless cycle of stress she has been in lately, there has been very few reprieves. She grows more stressed, which makes me become more distant, which stresses her out, and it has become an endless feedback loop.

It's gotten to the point where I can predict the future hours in advance. I can tell in the morning when she will have a fit in the evening. I'm not even sure what I can do at this point.

As much as it scares me to think she may never be happy, it scares me more to think that I am headed back into a depression. I can handle her being miserable forever. I know how to manage that, how to manage her moods. I've never been to good at managing my own though. I can recognize my emotions for what they are, but in an extremely frustrating twist, I can do nothing to control them. I can write about them, I can think about them, I can talk about them. Controlling them eludes my grasp. I hate that about myself. I despise my own lack of control.

I think that's why I love reggae. Reggae has always been about going with the flow for me. The music says to me that instead of trying to control all the little aspects of myself and my life, to give in, submit, go with the flow. Like how techno / dubstep makes me focus on left brain type activities. Music has been my release lately. It's also been my compass.

I still have a lot left to think about. I'm sure things will be better after the move. The real question is, for better, or worse?

Been too long

So it's been a while since I made a post. Unusually long in fact. I have been rather caught up in the day to day of life. Nothing particularly bad has gone on recently, so I suppose that I have less to bitch about or something. Anyways, I feel like writing tonight so here I am.

Work has been going pretty well. I'm starting to really sharpen some of my skills which has let me find a nice little groove. My secret is that I just pretend that every single day is a game. That makes it a lot easier to deal with the daily grind of my job. It also makes for a hilarious perspective during every single call.

I have spent a lot of time working on getting Frankendude up and running. It's been a fun process, and when it runs it's fun. I'm still working out the final kinks in the system. It's been a slow process but I think I can figure the rest out from here. The real issue is that I don't think that it is going to have enough power to play the more hardcore games that I have. It's funny, right as I finish getting Frankendude up and running, I started researching my next build. I think my next build will be around $600.00 and I have a feeling she will be able to kick Frankendude's ass.

I've started tracking my calories (thanks to a bunch of prodding by Chey) and it's helped me to realize where the weakness in my diet lies. I think that if I can ever convince myself to get off my ass during the week that I will have a better time controlling my weight. Maybe it's time that I start taking advantage of workplace gym. It would present a good chance for me to catch up on my audio books.

There has been a lot more magic playing in my life lately. I think this is largely due to the frustration that I have experienced with building Frankendude. That's the nice thing about cards, they don't require a lot of troubleshooting, rarely do they have faulty parts, and generally speaking are much cheaper than computer parts. That can't be all though. I'm feeling the urge to dive in the MTG scene harder than ever before. Maybe it's because now I know more MTG players than I ever have before. 

Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know that I hadn't forgotten you and haven't yet abandoned my blog. I've just been so caught up in life that I haven't taken the time to reflect much. This habit is a little too cathartic to drop completely. Peace out!

Physical: 8/10
Mental: 10/10
Emotional: 9/10
Social: 9/10
Financial: 8/10
Vocational: 9/10
Educational: 10/10
Spiritual: 9/10

Total: 92
Grade: A-

Ps- I just noticed that I've been pretty steadily holding on the the A, A- level for a few months. That's pretty cool.

No reason at all

I don't really have a purpose in writing this post. I just feel like writing I suppose.

I've been doing some reading in the last few weeks, and I've been reading a really good book about the creation of Twitter. Twitter, my favorite social media service, was made by the same guy who wrote Blogger, the very site that hosts this blog. Not sure yet, but I might be developing a small man crush for Ev Williams. I'm not sure yet, we'll see how the book ends.

Work has been going fine. I have no real complaints. If I did have to complain, I suppose it would be that I feel like I haven't seen my friends in a long time again. This seems to be a trend with me where I see my friends all at once, and then, nothing, for like weeks on end. Hopefully with my new schedule this will change. At the very least, now that I will be on Dalton's team I should see a lot more of him.

I've been in a very creative mood lately. I really should channel this and find something positive to do with that energy. I mean, I guess this writing here qualifies, but I fell like I could do more. Maybe I should take up painting again. I don't know. Something. Maybe I could do some creative writing. That has always been something I have enjoyed, but I haven't done any in a long time. Maybe I should start a sub-blog and write about some of the stories that I have swimming in my head.

There has been a lot of walking this week. I have gone on several long walks with Chey, and they have been really enjoyable. I love the fresh air and I feel good after the walks. No hurting like after a run, just a nice all over burn in my body. This has been the excuse I have had to catch up on some of my audio books (read: Hatching Twitter). I think that I should start easing myself into some more intense exercising. By more intense, I mean yoga. I miss all of the stretching.

I have been doing a lot of gaming lately. What little I can anyways. I have been playing through Final Fantasy VI (also known as FF 3) and I have been making good progress in that. Tonight is the first night in a week that I haven't played. Not like I'm burnt out or anything, I just felt like a change tonight. I'm sure I will be back on it again tomorrow. This has been pretty good for me lately, but I have really been craving something more intense. I have been contemplating getting a PS3 lately. They make good media centers, I can play all sorts of great games on it (read: Metal Gear Solid IV), and I have been looking online, they are getting pretty cheap. Hell, I can pick one up now for less than I paid for the chromebook I'm typing on now. I don't know, we'll have to see. I need to pay off my car first. Being an adult sucks.

I think all of this is just an indication of how good I'm doing at my work. I'm getting good at my job, so I am learning at a slower pace. I'm learning at a slower pace so I'm getting bored. I'm getting bored, so I want to play and occupy my mind more often. It's extremely refreshing to have the time, money, and energy to devote to my favorite hobby, I just need to figure out which direction I want to take it in. I've also been thinking of building my next computer, and while this would be a much better investment and much more versatile than a console, it would also be much pricier. I just keep thinking that I need to find the cheapest way possible to entertain myself. I'm thinking that either a PS3 or a new handheld would be the best way to go about this. I just haven't made up my mind completely. I'm also feeling pressure to spend my money on other things, like savings, motorcycle classes, cooking classes, and a few other non-video game things. I don't know, hit me up on social media (read: Twitter) if you have an opinion. 

Anyways, it's getting late. I have a lot to think about over the next couple of days as I make up my mind on how best to go about entertaining myself. Goodnight everyone.

Physical: 9/10
Mental: 10/10
Emotional: 10/10
Social: 7/10
Financial: 10/10
Vocational: 10/10
Educational: 8/10
Spiritual: 9/10

Score: 93/100
Grade: A-

Coffee HO!!!

So I know it's really odd for me to make two posts so close together, but I have had a lot of coffee this morning, and I have some extra time with nothing to do, so I figure I might as well write.

So it's been a couple of good days people. Work is going great this week. I know I just jinxed myself, and that's ok, because I've had a super good run this week. I'm one of those people that you hate because they love their job, and they are excited to go to work. Let me tell you something, *whispers* I love being that guy!

Other than that things are going pretty well. My body has been doing some weird shit lately. I have been super susceptible to caffeine lately, for like, the first time in my life. I have been abusing the hell out of that. I also have had some weird joint pain, and my back is acting up. I don't know what that's all about, other than I need to start working out. I don't know, my body has just been talking to me a lot lately.

Mentally, I'm still going full throttle. I get more and more focused as time goes on (the coffee helps), and I have still have not found any limits that my mind hasn't overcome. Well, I say that, but I guess my memory could use a little work. I haven't forgotten much, just to do a couple things here or there on time. I remember eventually, just not when I need too.

Socially, nothing has changed since the weekend. What can I say, I'm a homebody during the week. 

Spiritually, I'm not really sure where I am. I have not been thinking about it much, other than I feel like I'm really finding a groove in my life that I can dig into and exploit. Every day I take another step closer to the man that I want to be.

I started having the itch to have a kid again. I think I'm in a better place than ever before to try and have one, but I still think it's better if I wait. I think I can do better, I can overcome more before I make that step. Le Sigh~

Anyways, things are going great. I kind of want to talk about why work has been so good this week, but I really hate bragging, and so I'm not going to say what happened. I just hope this kind of behavior keeps up is all.

Alright peeps, I'm off to fill my coffee cup again. See ya on the flip side!

Physical: 5?10? Let's say a solid 8/10
Mental: 10/10
Emotional: 9/10
Social: Meh 8/10
Spiritual: 9/10
Vocational: 10/10
Educational: 10/10
Financial: 10/10

Total: 94/100
Grade: A

A long time in the making

Hey there everyone. So yeah, been super long since my last post. I have been pretty busy. Seems like all I do is eat, sleep, and work lately. So this may be a long post. Then again, I have been drinking and I get to play video games when I'm done, so it may be a really short post. We'll just see how the mood strikes me.

To kick things off, I'm doing really well. I have been doing really well at my new job. I feel like I've been fitting in to the job really well, and everyone seems pretty happy with my performance so far. We'll see if I can keep that up. I have my permanent schedule for the next 6 months, and I got exactly the schedule I was after, so I'm very pleased with this.

I have been doing way better with Chey. She is starting to get things straightened out with some of the things she has been dealing with lately, and we have been doing a lot better as a couple. It took a bit of a fight for us to step back and realize that if both of us didn't make some right proper choices in the immediate future then things wouldn't work out for us. Happy to report that we have both been working on our relationship and how we treat each other, so super happy in that department as well.

I saw my friends last night for the first time in a few weeks, and that was really refreshing. I feel like I rarely get to relax any more, and you know, I have made a lot of progress in a lot of areas in my life lately, so it was super pleasing to be able to spend some time just fucking off and playing cards.

Financially things are better than ever. This new job is paying great, and with Chey's careful planning and saving, I now have more money on hand than I have had in the last few years. It's so nice to not have to worry where my next meal is coming from.

Physically I'm getting a bit better. I have started taking some walks with Chey to keep myself in a bit better shape. I hope to keep up this trend and to graduate to some harder workouts when it gets a bit colder. This is still an area that I have much progress to make in.

Mentally I'm flying. I feel like in the last few weeks, between all of the progress at work, the astrophysics course (that I'm taking for fun BTW :P), and everything else in my life, I feel like I should be at some kind of limit or saturation point. Instead, like a fat kid who always finds room for desert, as soon as my head feels full, I find that I have room for just one more thing, and then one more thing. You get the idea. I'm really starting to feel engaged, challenged, and most importantly, like myself for the first time in ages.

My emotions have been mostly in check lately. I feel like I'm doing pretty well, considering that work is extremely testing in the area. I have to sympathize with my customers in order to do my job at the top level, which I'm doing, and I have to keep them in check when my customers are yelling at me. I seem to have found some kind of balance at the moment. I just need to keep on eye on it and not let myself fall to far one way or the other.

On the whole, I feel like I'm fitting into my place into the universe really well. This job change has been the best decision (it was Chey's idea, but my choice) I have made in a really long time. I'm so much happier with my life and where I fit in. It's left me with the energy to do the things I actually care about in my life. I think I summed it up well with Cody when I was talking with him a while back. His father, for example, has limitless physical energy. He can work a hard, 18 hour day, and still want to go out and work after. I told Cody then that I'm the same way, just on the mental end of the spectrum and it feels good to live up to my own estimations. I feel focused and that feels really good.

Alright, time for the next beer, and the next activity, my continuation in Final Fantasy VI. Sorry it's been such a long time coming for an update. I've just been sailing along so well that I guess I don't feel the need to write so much when things are going well. Alright guys, we'll talk soon.

Here's the lineup:
Physical: 8/10
Mental: 10/10
Emotional: 9/10
Spiritual: 9/10
Financial: 10/10
Vocational: 10/10
Educational: 9/10
Social: 8/10

Total: 93/100
Grade: A-

Mr. Aladdin, sir, what will your pleasure be?

Hey all, so I'm making a resolution to stop apologizing for the delays between posts. I have had a really erratic schedule for the last, well, forever it seems like, and I just can't seem to stick to a posting schedule. So, from now on, just know that if I haven't been posting, there is probably a lame excuse as to why.

Ok, so work is going well. I am still in the honeymoon phase with my new job and I couldn't be happier. It's so nice to come home smelling like not an engine block. I'm getting along with with all of my co-workers and we all seem to be building a good team mentality.

I've been spending a lot of time with other peeps lately, and that has had a very positive impact on my social life. I think I have seen more people in the last two weeks than in the last six months combined. It's been a trip trying to pry myself out of this hermit mentality that I have developed over the last few months. I find myself being a little more social each and every day. The only way I can accurately describe things is that I have been slowly remembering who I am each and every day.

It's been an extremely rewarding couple of weeks. Every day I'm getting my life more and more into shape. My finances are continuing to come into focus, my mental state continues to drill down to an iron focus, and emotionally I'm high as a kite. Soon, I shall to start getting the one thing into shape that I have been avoiding, my ass. I've accomplished all of the other stuff in my life the last few months all just in order to avoid working out. Like, I think about working out, and I'm like, "nah, I'm just going to go learn some physics", or, "nah, I'll just clean the entire apartment". I'm slowly running out of things to focus my primary attention on improving. Bleh.

Alright, well it's getting late, and I have to work in the morning. I just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know that I haven't forgotten about you. This is one project that I'm dedicated to sticking too. Science knows that I have given up on enough projects in my life, I just can't bring myself to let this one go. Alright, let's wrap this up.

Physical: 8/10
Mental: 9/10
Emotional: 10/10
Social: 10/10
Spiritual: 8/10
Vocational: 10/10
Educational: 9/10
Financial: 9/10

Total: 93/100
Grade: A-