Another day full of failures

I've just gotten for having another fight with Chey. That's two fights in two days. The twist? This time it was all me. That hurts.

The silver lining is that I've had a couple epiphanies to come along with these shit feelings. First: I have a whole metric ass grip of unresolved issues with my time in the military. Including, but not limited to: I can not stand huge overlaps in my work-life balance, I have a huge fear of success, and I still self-sabotage. Second: I try so fervently to avoid stress, because I have no good tools for dealing with stress. In fact, as it turns out, all I have done since I got out, was develop tools for avoiding stress altogether, instead of coping with it.

Of course it goes without saying that I am frustrated as hell that it took a fight of this magnitude to make me realize this. I wish, no I expect, to have a bit of omnipotence when it comes to reading myself, and I must constantly live with the dissatisfaction of knowing I never will.

I know that the next step is to reframe this experience into a positive one, but right now I'm typing faster than my cognitive mind can process all of the emotions and ripples of what just happened. I need some time alone I think.

Side note: my hand eye coordination has been eerily good today. I was crushing some PvP today with a skill level I rarely encounter in myself.

Also, I could not focus on Chey's face during the fight. Could be from her starting to cry and not wanting to tear up myself. Should get tested for autism just in case.

Feeling worn out

I've been feeling really run down lately. Mentally, I'm on summer vacation. Physically I'm in a slump. Emotionally, I'm either a bottomless void, who is only able to express boredom and dissatisfaction,or in flying off the handle.

Then there is my relationship.

I'm in love with her, and she with me. However, between the aforementioned slump I'm in, and the endless cycle of stress she has been in lately, there has been very few reprieves. She grows more stressed, which makes me become more distant, which stresses her out, and it has become an endless feedback loop.

It's gotten to the point where I can predict the future hours in advance. I can tell in the morning when she will have a fit in the evening. I'm not even sure what I can do at this point.

As much as it scares me to think she may never be happy, it scares me more to think that I am headed back into a depression. I can handle her being miserable forever. I know how to manage that, how to manage her moods. I've never been to good at managing my own though. I can recognize my emotions for what they are, but in an extremely frustrating twist, I can do nothing to control them. I can write about them, I can think about them, I can talk about them. Controlling them eludes my grasp. I hate that about myself. I despise my own lack of control.

I think that's why I love reggae. Reggae has always been about going with the flow for me. The music says to me that instead of trying to control all the little aspects of myself and my life, to give in, submit, go with the flow. Like how techno / dubstep makes me focus on left brain type activities. Music has been my release lately. It's also been my compass.

I still have a lot left to think about. I'm sure things will be better after the move. The real question is, for better, or worse?