I've just gotten for having another fight with Chey. That's two fights in two days. The twist? This time it was all me. That hurts.
The silver lining is that I've had a couple epiphanies to come along with these shit feelings. First: I have a whole metric ass grip of unresolved issues with my time in the military. Including, but not limited to: I can not stand huge overlaps in my work-life balance, I have a huge fear of success, and I still self-sabotage. Second: I try so fervently to avoid stress, because I have no good tools for dealing with stress. In fact, as it turns out, all I have done since I got out, was develop tools for avoiding stress altogether, instead of coping with it.
Of course it goes without saying that I am frustrated as hell that it took a fight of this magnitude to make me realize this. I wish, no I expect, to have a bit of omnipotence when it comes to reading myself, and I must constantly live with the dissatisfaction of knowing I never will.
I know that the next step is to reframe this experience into a positive one, but right now I'm typing faster than my cognitive mind can process all of the emotions and ripples of what just happened. I need some time alone I think.
Side note: my hand eye coordination has been eerily good today. I was crushing some PvP today with a skill level I rarely encounter in myself.
Also, I could not focus on Chey's face during the fight. Could be from her starting to cry and not wanting to tear up myself. Should get tested for autism just in case.
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